It can be difficult to make friends when you’re living abroad, but for me the friends I made were one of the best things about expat life.
I would never have survived 11 years as an expat in Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan and Romania without my friends.
Together we have had some amazing experiences. We’ve been there for each other through the joyful first days of motherhood, though breakups and bad boyfriends, we’ve even supported each other after the deaths of our loved ones.
It’s not easy to make friends when you’re living abroad!
The truth is it can be hard to make friends when you’re living abroad. The constantly revolving expat scene means that as people come and go, unless you want to be very lonely you have to be constantly cultivating new friendships — friend dating if you will — to replace the friends that inevitably come to the end of their postings and leave.
Even making friends with locals isn’t a failsafe solution; most of the locals that want to hang out with expats do so because they are or want to be international people. They are people who have worked or studied abroad and are now back in their home country but want keep those international ties alive (they might go back abroad), or they are working for international companies (they might get posted abroad) or they want to date a foreigner in the hope of marrying him (they might go abroad when he leaves).
Extroverts vs. introverts
When it comes to how to make friends when you’re living abroad, I often wonder the process is harder for introverts or for extroverts.
Introverts like me certainly find the constant “friend dating” a strain. Being an expat means being always “on” in a way that you don’t have to be when you’re living among family and friends you have known for years. But then we’re better able to cope with the early days before we got to know people and had to spend a lot of evenings alone in our apartments.
I know extroverts who love the expat local whirl — but are desperately lonely and unhappy when nothing’s going on and they’re stuck home alone.
The coming and going makes friendships more intense, amplified by the fact that most people don’t have their family support networks around so friends become their new families.
1. Say yes!
My no 1 piece of advice is if you’re feeling lonely accept every invitation that comes your way — even if it doesn’t seem like your sort of thing.
2. Reciprocate!
Putting yourself out there by issuing invitations (that other people might reject) is hard work. Do your bit by organising events and inviting others out. Even if it’s just a quick coffee they will appreciate it.
3. Welcome newcomers.
Point 2 goes double for when you’ve been there a while. Invite newly arrived people who may be lost and lonely. Drinks are great but other things like a walk in the park / visit to a tourist attraction / Saturday morning shopping at the market are also fun.
4. Don’t rely on one person.
You have a new BFF? Awesome! But people fall out, or leave or get coupled up. Aim to have at least three or four close friends at any one time so if one left we’d have the rest of the core friends to fall back upon while we cultivated new friends to fill the gap. It sounds like an overly pragmatic answer to the personal connection that is friendship; in fact it’s necessary to survival as an expat.
5. Be nice.
Expat circles are small. People know each other and have plenty of time on their hands to gossip. Bitching often gets back to the bitchee, so don’t be the bitcher! Same goes for other undesirable behaviour such as being flaky / an aggressive drunk / overly needy / lecherous and so on.
6. Be open minded.
Look outside your own age group / professional occupation / social class / nationality. I have a close friend who’s a British journalist just two months older than me. I’m also friends with a housewife almost young enough to be my daughter, and several lovely people closer to my parents’ age.
7. Emphasise ‘finding your people’ over ‘making friends’.
The latter always makes me feel like a bit of a loser if I go to a few events and haven’t managed to MAKE anyone be my friend. It doesn’t work like that. I now believe that if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be … if you don’t have friends yet either you’re an asshole (always possible) or the people you have met just aren’t the right people for you. Keep on looking.
More posts about socialising abroad
7 ways for women to network in Central Asia (that don’t involve being harassed in bars)
Steppe in Style 
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